Awakened by Sin Page 23

  “What did Gavin say?”

  “He said no.”

  When he sat up, she scooted onto the console as he straightened his clothes.

  “He doesn’t think I’m tough enough.”

  “Why do you want to do it?”

  “Everyone looks up to Gavin. Everyone knows his name. I want that respect. I want to make Uncle Manny and Gavin proud.” He gestured with his hands as he spoke, which betrayed his anxiety. “There’s something about men like your dad, Gavin, and Blade… There’s a camaraderie between them that I don’t have. I’ve always been second to Gavin, as it should be, but this may be my only chance to see if I’ve got what it takes, you know?”

  His face was creased with uncertainty. He gripped her thigh and squeezed gently.

  “You think I can do it, right, babe?”

  “Of course, I do. You know how to shoot a gun.” She held up one finger. “You’re a Pyre.” Another finger. “You know all of Gavin’s contacts, and your father-in-law is a legendary enforcer. No one would dare fuck with you.”

  “That’s true.” His face clouded. “Gavin doesn’t think I have what it takes.”

  How many times had she heard that line over the years? It was always, “Gavin said” or “Gavin thinks that…” Vinny idolized his cousin and cared more about Gavin’s opinion than hers. Gavin could do no wrong in his eyes. They had argued way too much about him over the years, especially after Lyla disappeared. Vinny always defended and deferred to Gavin. It drove her up the wall. It was like having a third person in their relationship.

  “Screw Gavin. Lots of times he told you that you weren’t ready, and you always proved him wrong. This is no different.”

  “But he said—”

  “Tomorrow, you talk to him again, and this time, you don’t take no for an answer. You’ve gone to underworld meetings with Gavin. He can pass his anointing to you. This is your opportunity to prove him wrong once and for all.”

  “You really think I can do this?”

  “Of course, I do.”

  He cupped her nape and drew her down for a sweet kiss. “You make me believe I can do anything.”

  “That’s what a good wife does.” She nuzzled close. “If it doesn’t work out, Gavin can always find someone else, right?”

  “Right.”

  “He just needs to stop being such a control freak.” She slid into the passenger seat and clapped her hands together. “Now we have two things to celebrate!”

  “We do?”

  “Yes, Lyla staying and your new promotion!”

  He smiled as he started up the car. “What do you think about me being crime lord?”

  “I think it’s fucking hot. You were born for this.”

  “What do you think your dad will say?”

  “He’ll probably give you a lot of pointers and be really proud of you.”

  “That’s what I think.”

  “He was always happy I didn’t end up with Gavin, but I think it’s just because it’s Gavin. I don’t think it had anything to do with him being crime lord. Besides, Dad worked for Uncle Manny and… Well, you know the rest. I think this is going to work out perfect. Gavin can focus more on Lyla, and we’ll be good.”

  “We will,” he said and squeezed her hand. “That’s why I love you. You take everything in stride. You’re the perfect crime lord’s wife.”

  She straightened. “I need a new wardrobe.”

  He laughed.

  “You be careful, Vincent.”

  “I will. I’m a Pyre, baby. We’re indestructible.”

  “You better be.”

  Vinny spent the rest of the journey going over his speech for Gavin. When they reached home, she told him to start a bubble bath while she fetched champagne. When he went upstairs, she filched her phone from her purse and tapped speed dial three. She was climbing on her counter to reach the glasses from their wedding when Gavin answered.

  “Carmen.”

  “Vinny’s gonna give you a pitch about why he’s the best candidate to be the new crime lord. You’re going to accept his offer,” she said crisply as she jumped down.

  “You want him to do this?” Gavin asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “He wants to do it, so I support him.”

  “It’s dangerous.”

  “I know that,” she snapped as she retrieved a chilled bottle of pink champagne from the fridge. She always had chilled bubbly. One never knew when there would be cause to celebrate. She tended to find at least one thing every week. “My dad was an enforcer. I know the danger, and so does Vinny. If he says he can do it, then he can.”

  “No.”

  “You know what’s your problem?” she asked as she pulled off the wrapper and got to work on the cork. “You’re a control freak. You need to learn how to delegate. Lyla needs you, and she wants you to give this up. Vinny’s the best man for the job. You trust him, he knows all your connections, and who the hell is going to mess with him? He’s a fucking Pyre! Come on.”

  Silence on the other end.

  “If he doesn’t work out, fine, but let him try. You know what it cost him to get up the courage to approach you, and you just shut him down.”

  “I was busy,” Gavin growled. “And he isn’t ready.”

  “When is he gonna be ready? Geez. How many years has he been shadowing you? How long has he been imitating you? Copying the way you talk and walk? You and Uncle Manny have been telling him he’s not ready all his life! You’re the reason he has problems with his nerves. If he does this, it may give him the confidence he’s always lacked—”

  “Fine.”

  She nodded, immensely satisfied. “All right, then.”

  “How did she do today?”

  She took the change of subject in stride. “A little shaken, but she’s strong. She’s gonna pull through.”

  “Yes, she is. You’ll stay with her tomorrow?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay.” She popped the cork on the champagne and heard a sharp, “What was that?” in her ear.

  “Champagne.”

  “You’re celebrating?”

  “Yup. Lyla staying and Vinny’s new position.” She watched champagne fizz in the glass and said quietly, “Gavin?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re going to keep him safe, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “You promise?”

  “Yes. He’s my brother.”

  She closed her eyes and let out a breath. “Okay. Thank you.”

  He cut the connection. She hummed to herself as she grabbed the glasses of champagne and headed upstairs.

  14

  She woke to the sound of a ringing phone. She opened swollen, itchy eyes and surveyed her bedroom from the floor. Sunlight filtered through the blinds and warmed her body, which was curled in the fetal position.

  The ringing stopped. Her body ached as if she had the flu. Her eyes moved up to the urn, a constant reminder of what she had lost. She curled her toes, and even that small gesture sent a streak of pain to her temples. She swam in a sea of regret and self-loathing. If she hadn’t fought for Vinny to become crime lord, he never would have been killed. Maybe Steven Vega wouldn’t have pegged Vinny as an easy mark and Gavin wouldn’t have gone on a bloody revenge spree, he and Lyla wouldn’t have put off their wedding, and maybe Steven wouldn’t have gone for Uncle Manny…

  She curled into a tighter ball to combat the agony searing her insides. She buried the truth because she couldn’t handle the fact that she had orchestrated her husband’s demise. Vinny wouldn’t have become crime lord without her interference. Gavin wouldn’t have allowed it if she hadn’t made that call. Why had she done it? That’s what a good wife does. She moaned and covered her head with her arms as if that would protect her from the memories ripping her soul to shreds. She encouraged him to be crime lord to help him be more confident and prove Gavin wrong. It was she who was wrong. She ruined her life and everyone else’s, and for
what?

  Guilt and more pain than she could bear flooded through her. She took refuge in a zombie-like state for years, but she couldn’t avoid the truth any longer. Gavin signed his cousin’s death warrant. Maddog’s words lashed at her. No, it wasn’t Gavin who signed Vinny’s death warrant, it was her. She writhed on the ground as the pain turned her inside out. She couldn’t stay still, couldn’t put a stopper on it. She instinctively clawed her chest to get beneath her skin to the source of her agony. If she could have, she would have carved out her own heart. Memories of Vinny taunted her. She could feel his hands on her skin, remember the smell of their lovemaking, the touch of his hands cupping her face. She could see his face so clearly.

  What did I do to deserve a wife like you?

  She screamed to block out the echo of his voice. She got to her knees and gripped her head as she rocked uncontrollably. She couldn’t take much more. She had to make it stop.

  The sound of the ringing phone pierced her hysteria. She crawled across the carpet to her purse and turned it upside down. Phone, condoms, keys, gun. She touched cold metal and was about to wrap her hands around it when she heard, “Carmen?”

  She jerked her hand away from the gun as her mother’s voice broke the spell as effectively as a crowd of people stampeding into the room. She scrubbed a hand over her face and tried to get herself together, but she didn’t have enough time. Footsteps sounded in the hallway, and seconds later, her mother appeared. She bowed her head in an attempt to conceal her puffy, distraught face.

  “Carmen?” Her mother was out of breath. “We’ve been calling…”

  Her mother dropped to her knees and grasped Carmen’s hand as she tried to sweep everything back into her purse.

  “Carmen?”

  “I’m sorry. I just woke up,” she said hoarsely.

  “Carmen.”

  Mom cupped her chin and raised it. She attempted a smile even as tears slid down her face.

  “I’m fine,” she whispered.

  Mom’s eyes filled with tears.

  “I’m fine,” she said again.

  “You’re not,” Mom said gently.

  “I am,” she said even as her face crumpled.

  She desperately tried to hold it all in.

  “It’s going to be okay, Carmen.”

  Her mother drew her close. She buried her face in her mother’s shoulder and fisted a hand in her starched shirt. No, it would never be okay. As if Mom could hear her thoughts, she hugged her even tighter.

  “You’ve been so strong,” Mom murmured. “We’re so proud of you.”

  No, she couldn’t hear this now. She shook her head and tried to pull away, but Mom held her tight.

  “You’re everything we could have hoped for and more. We raised you to be confident, passionate, caring. You give so much of yourself away and leave nothing for yourself. We were so happy you found Vinny. He understood you just like us.”

  “Mom, stop,” she begged.

  “It hurts me to see you in pain.”

  She desperately tried to get a handle on her emotions. “I know. I’m trying.”

  “But it hurts me even more to see you ignore it.”

  She gave in. She went limp in her mother’s arms as sorrow swallowed her whole. She wasn’t sure how much time passed, but the tight embrace never slackened. Warm, familiar hands moved over her while her body was wracked with sobs so powerful, she couldn’t catch her breath. Her mother murmured soft, loving words in her ear while she rocked her. When the storm passed, she lay exhausted and empty in her arms.

  They sat in silence. She noticed that the light in the room had changed, confirmation that they had been here a while.

  Mom kissed her temple. “Come, I’ll make you a bath.”

  Mom assisted her into the bathroom and filled the tub while she sat there, staring into space. Mom undressed her and urged her in. The sweet smell of jasmine drew her out of the darkness. The warm water soothed her aching, quivering muscles. Mom washed her hair as if she was five years old. She wasn’t capable of doing anything more strenuous than sitting upright.

  “Lyla called me this morning.”

  It took a minute for that to make sense. “Why?”

  “Something to do with the Black Viper gang.” Mom didn’t ask questions; she just massaged her scalp, as placid as could be. “Gavin was in some kind of uproar, and Lyla tried to call you, but you didn’t answer, so she called me.”

  She tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t alarm her mother and came up with nothing. Her mother knew all about the Black Vipers.

  “Carmen Marie.”

  She suddenly found her chin caught in a firm grip. Her mother stared straight into her eyes, gaze strong and unflinching.

  “I don’t know what you’re doing to work through your grief, but I won’t lose you to the underworld, you understand me? I won’t tell you what not to do because you’ll do it, but I’m warning you, you’re running toward dark stuff. Once you go down that road, there’s no coming back.” Her expression eased a little as she stroked her cheek and then splayed her hand over the angry red scratches on her chest. “This isn’t you, baby.”

  Her chest quaked as she tried to keep the well of emotions in check.

  “I lost your father. I can’t lose you too. I’m here. I can help you through this. I need you here with me, baby. Stay with me.”

  She gave a tiny nod that satisfied her mother. The hand wiped away her tears and resumed giving her a bath.

  “Gavin’s involved,” Mom continued.

  Oh, shit.

  “Lyla doesn’t know all the details. Something about you, his cousin, a shooting, the Black Vipers, and he left shortly after. Whatever happened yesterday is done. Gavin will handle it.”

  She sat silently as her mother rinsed her hair.

  “I prayed for a daughter because I knew your father would forbid you from becoming an enforcer.”

  Yes, she had heard that more than once over the years.

  “Your father never worried about you because he believed you could handle anything, and he was right. And what you couldn’t handle, Manny and Gavin would.”

  “Mom—”

  “Hush.”

  Mom wrapped her in a robe and combed her hair before she led her downstairs. Mom pushed her onto a chair at the table and put a glass of water in front of her along with two aspirin. The cold water soothed her raw throat. She heard the sizzle of butter hit a hot pan as Mom bustled around the kitchen. It seemed that it took less than a minute for Mom to place a grilled cheese sandwich in front of her.

  “Eat.”

  She obeyed because she didn’t have any fight left. Mom sat across from her with her own sandwich. They ate in silence. When she finished, she felt better, but the heavy weight on her chest was still there. Mom watched her with quiet expectation. She opened her mouth and then closed it. Her hands fisted in her lap, and she swallowed hard.

  “You’re going to get through this, Carmen.”

  “I used to be strong,” she whispered as a tear slipped down her cheek.

  “No one is strong all the time. You’ve been taking care of people for a long time. You took Lyla under your wing when you were kids, you took care of Vinny, and then you took on Lyla after the attack. Then you came home and took care of me.” She reached for Carmen’s hand and squeezed. “I know it wasn’t easy. You have a good heart. You take on so many things without thinking twice. You don’t have a mean bone in your body.”

  “I killed the leader of the Black Viper gang.”

  Mom paled. “What? Why?”

  “H-he said Vinny becoming crime lord was a joke, that Gavin signed his death warrant, but he was wrong…” She shook her head as memories cascaded through her. “He was wrong.”

  “Carmen?”

  “It’s my fault,” she whispered.

  “What’s your fault?”

  “I killed Vinny.” Her mother shook her head and opened her mouth, but she spoke over her. “I did. I told
Vinny to do it. I encouraged him. I called Gavin and told him to make Vinny crime lord.”

  Silence filled the kitchen.

  “I knew what to say to make Gavin give in. I’m the one who made it happen. It’s my fault.” She stared straight ahead as she said, “Hearing him mock Vinny’s life, hearing him blame Gavin…” She hung her head, too ashamed to meet her mother’s eyes. “If Vega hadn’t killed Vinny, Gavin wouldn’t have gone crazy. Uncle Manny would still be alive, and Lyla wouldn’t have s-scars.”

  “It’s done, Carmen.”

  She shook her head. “No, it’s not.”

  “Carmen, let it go.”

  “I can’t.”

  Mom gripped both of her hands hard enough to get her attention. “Do you know why I married your father?”

  “You loved him.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t marry him until I got pregnant, and I knew there was no going back.”

  This was new information, but a little out of the blue. “What does that have to do with—?”

  “I don’t know why I fell in love with a bad man, but I did. I knew what your father did for a living. I didn’t want to worry about him every time he went to work. I didn’t want to live like that, wondering if he would come home to me, but I got pregnant, and I committed.” Mom leaned forward. “Sometimes, innocents get hurt. Sometimes, he made mistakes. I saw the news, and I could put two and two together. I should have turned him in.”

  Her mother had never voiced anything like this in her life. She had always seemed totally accepting of the ways of the underworld.

  “Your father did what he did best. He was the best father to you and an amazing husband to me. I never turned him in.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I loved a good man who did bad things for a living. Even though some of the battles in the underworld are fought for money and territory, I told myself what he did was for the better good.” Mom stroked her face. “Your father had a code. It’s not one that everyone would understand, but he had one, and he was a good man.”

  “He was the best,” she agreed.

  “I supported your father even when I shouldn’t, even knowing people would lose their lives. Do you understand?”